Since I have the time

I have been jogging and guess what's playing on my MP4? I was listening to I Can Hear The Bells, Hairspray Soundtrack. HaHAHAHA!!! It's extremely fun. I guess it's in a way relatively perverted. Perverted because no one in the mainstream will do such a thing like me.

Like I have avoided the many questions posed by myself of whether I am with the right person or not. I guess I've learned to have this state mentality in me to guide me. It does not compromise my emotions or my intellect/logic. So, my heart can rule with my brain happily. :)

Thou shalt not force when things really don't work out.
Thou shalt be sad, shall be broken but not beyond repair.
Thou shalt always know self-worth because I know I have it.

Like the Hairspray soundtrack, I want my mother to cry while I walk down the aisle, I want my dad, a happy man, I want to know this man shall have eyes only for me.

He hungers for my voice.
He needs his daily dosage of me to have the courage and strength to face the world of tomorrow.
I am his inspiration.
When there's no time, he makes time because I am important.
I am his precious.
He seeks for me in happiness and in sorrow.

This list will go on I guess, as the years go by. But now I know what I really want. I won't search high and low for a man that fits this bill but he shall come. Yes, I have a boyfriend and the above seems as though we are not together. It is not. Perhaps he feels this way for me yet is silent about it. No matter what, if he is not or he shall choose to leave me someday or another, I promise I will take it like a mature lady, with grace. I know what I want in the person I want to spend my life with because I know I will hunger for his voice, I will need my daily dosage of him, he will definitely be my inspiration, my world shall revolve around him and thus everything will be planned for his convenience, etc...

I've had had quite disturbing nights, nights in which I hold onto my bolster for some pseudo sense of security. I know there is no need to anymore because when all else fails, when everyone is not for me, I still want myself. I'll love myself even more, I'll love myself for myself and for the person whom is willing to take on the difficult yet passionate 'duty' of loving me. I hate it when I can't find suitable word for such an impprtant part. It's not exactly duty, neither is it a task, neither can I call it a commitment because it's so much more. It has got to be a willing sort of thing, it has got to be something that is done without any complaints, it is not something which I can call it done because it can never be done, it can never be over, or accomplished hence it's not a task.

All in all is being put up because I have the time to...