Suppressed feelings

I sincerely hope I will enjoy myself this Saturday with my primary school mates. It's been okay... less than 2 years since I last saw them but then again, seeing them bring memories of innocence, happiness, PSLE, tons and tons of assessment books, papers from other schools and past year papers. We had great fun. We really had. Sometimes I wish I am back there, I look forward to go to school, to play five stones, to make our own five stones, to spend our $1 allowance daily on five stones, play catching, rush to the hop-scotch area once the bell rings, throw our wallets and water bottles at that area to prove that we were there first and hence it's 'booked' by us.

As usual, quarrels with my dearest edmund hits a brand new height. I seem to be relatively optimistic about it. Yes. I hate it when he sends his colleages home. I hate it when it's all work and no me. I hate it when rest, work and socialising with colleages are more important than me. There is a large disparity between what I want and what he is. In the little time, in the few moments that he has everday before he falls asleep, he's coughing his lungs out whenever I call him, he says he's going to bed. There isn't any time spent on saying things like how much he wished I was there after a whole day of stress and slogging. Or something rather simple, like I love you or even I miss you. There wasn't any of those. It was just I have lots of work to do, fucking bitch, get lost, I want my bed and not you.

I used to be relatively strong. I used to be able to take all these crap. I know that it's crap yet I was strong enough to undertake it. Why is it now that I feel that I'm losing the battle? I feel like giving up. I feel like saying go be with whoever you want to be with, go speak of hot dates with that black, crater-faced fat ass, go send the not-so-sweet candy home. All these time you have, you spent it on others and come telling me that you don't have time and is tired. Why shouldn't you be tired when it's as though you have 3 girlfriends instead of 1? Where's the man I knew? Where's the man that knocked me off my heels? Where's the man that looked at me with such tenderness that I would never forget?

I'm tired of telling people how I feel. Uni friends are working, primary school friends are working and having their graduation parties, JC friends are busy clubbing or being overseas or with their own relationship problems, I myself am still going to school. They think I'm mad. They would think I'm mad eventually.

I don't pray for him to change, neither do I pray for the right man to appear. I pray for mercy. I pray that it would not be so painful and torturous for me. Sincerely, I pray.

Awaiting for someone who would hold my hand and reveal the look of conquering the world on his face.