It is finally Thursday night and I can sleep in for tomorrow. A night with more than just 4 hours of sleep. It has been a hectic week or rather hectic weeks. Though things are not being completed over here I think I can still afford to sleep tonight and simply not do anything.

Wishing things were different. Yes, but can it be different from the past and different from now? I don't want the past, neither do I want now. I know I could always call or text you and tell you what kind of fucked up life is going on here. Thinking about it, I can't. I don't want to trouble you. I know you are always there for me even though we are not a couple anymore. I tried to take good care of myself. I tried.

I realised that there is really no one that I can count on like how I counted on you in the past. Anyway, we were born alone, will die alone and therefore we are made to be alone in this world. Many will disagree because they will say that there's still family and friends and all that bullshit talk but think about it, no one stands by you. I've always thought there's a relatively big group of people who knows substantially about Edmund and I. People who saw me cry, heard me cry, seen me pray, accompanied me through my uncontrollable madness when we first broke up. I believe that know me well enough to know why it hurts. They know me well enough to accept what I do. There is no need for any explanation for my actions. I am just saying that I am disappointed because I thought there are many things that need not be said but can actually be understood. Apparently not. Apparently I was not taken seriously. Apparently I am a silly. Because it is funny. Literally funny.

I always had your encouragement and support even though it seems really ironic that we were also quarrelling most of the time.I really had the urge to call you today. I wanted to tell you... I knew you would be angry for me. I knew you'd side me. Perhaps I'll get to tell you what happened today. Perhaps not. Perhaps I will forget how it feels today but I dont think I will forget the look on their faces and the resounding laughs.

I love you. Whatever love means. And this is not for others to say as I love you the way I love. Anybody can disagree but I don't give a fuck.

Nothing in this world doesnt change. I might have done wrong. Everyone has. But I learn from my mistakes. It is only stupid to laugh at someone who has learnt from her mistakes. Don't be foolish. You are just making yourself vulnerable when you laugh at others. You make yourself open to bad karma. It is bad to curse. I did not. I am simply stating a superstition that I believe in and there is a good deal for you to believe in it too. Cause maybe then you will stop your laughs.