Thoughts of abandoning blogging on this website are present. It's difficult to write in a space whereby you know that you out yourself out there, vulnerable for everyone to see. Sometimes, there are thoughts on my mind that may hurt others. And hence, are not very nice to be published. However, being all alone in a foreign land, makes you see past all these.
6th Jan 2010
My parents have left me for Sweden this afternoon. I would have expected myself to go all emotional over it and I did. After the doors were closed and I'm locked up in my room. Feels really surreal to know that I'm going to be here for 6 months. This duration gives me different feelings at different times. Over in Singapore, 6 months was good time. Good time to sort things out and good time to see how things were headed to when I'm headed back for Singapore.
I miss home. I miss everybody back at home. This is probably due to school not starting and I haven't had those activities that the usual normal socializing youthful exchange student would attend. Tomorrow, there's a barbecue. Maybe life might be easier if there are more activities to keep me occupied, rather than staying in my room, cocooned in my bed from afternoon to night. Still, I hope the hours will pass faster and so tomorrow's bbq will come fast enough. As for now, it's still too early to sleep. It's only 4pm.
It's so cold here. -22degrees, no matter how many layers I wear, I'm still freezing. Makes me miss home cooked food even more. Food here gets cold so fast. Everything's so expensive. Giving this rant a pass because it's all me. Who told me to choose the most expensive european country and who told me to come during winter right?
Maybe, the you-are-so-lucky-to-be-able-to-go-for-exchange and the exchange-is-damn-fun kind of thing is all but a facade. For now, I'd rather be back in Singapore. The thought of people telling me that 'exchange is damn fun' in order to trick me and make me suffer is running around at the back of my mind. Yes to all that I have said but I'm still hanging in here. My consolation, it should get better when school begins.
Next, I haven't been blatantly honest about everything that revolves around this guy probably because I can't even be honest with myself. This guy, bad first impression of him, I would say. Saw him trying on the girls at the party. My turn for him to try out came. To him, my short answers meant that I wasn't a tad interested. I was really not, probably because I wasn't really over the last breakup. Not so much on the person involved but the idea of a breakup. We had a chance occurrence in zouk a few days later and we danced. No problem there. It was nothing to me. If I recalled correctly, I would have preferred to dance with more than to dance my entire night with him. I am not a slut lahhh. We caught Harry Potter together. It was supposedly a date but knowing me, I simply asked him to join my friends and I for the movie, and that was to be counted as a date. I was half expecting him to say no to the offer but he wanted to come along. I thought, shit. We started hanging out often, be it outside school or in school. He made it clear that he was not looking for a girlfriend and I thought it was okay since I don't think I am ready to belong to another. However, things got out of hand when we did things that couples did. It became disturbing. I needed to know what we were, what we stood for, what do I mean. It haunted us for a couple of months. Hence, 6 months of exchange will do us good. I haven't spoken to him in a while. He's never available or out somewhere. It's a Wednesday night after all. I have excuses planned for him on everyday of the week. I used to panic. I remembered panicking on the day I touched down in London. Exhilarated to have internet access, expecting him to be online, hoping to chat with him. To only find out from another friend that he's in zouk. Why would tonight be of any difference? Like I said, it's Wednesday after all. It is not easy but I feel that I can handle not having him. I am able to manage better this Wednesday than last Wednesday. I hope this stays. But why must he leave me a facebook msg? Maybe it's nothing but it's amplified in my eyes. I guess I'm not mature. I am not ready to have a relationship that is mature... a relationship that can go on without any definitions and without any obligations. I am like a baby, one that needs constant taking care of, constant attention, constant loving, constantly being there...
Shucks, it's not even 6pm.
6th Jan 2010
My parents have left me for Sweden this afternoon. I would have expected myself to go all emotional over it and I did. After the doors were closed and I'm locked up in my room. Feels really surreal to know that I'm going to be here for 6 months. This duration gives me different feelings at different times. Over in Singapore, 6 months was good time. Good time to sort things out and good time to see how things were headed to when I'm headed back for Singapore.
I miss home. I miss everybody back at home. This is probably due to school not starting and I haven't had those activities that the usual normal socializing youthful exchange student would attend. Tomorrow, there's a barbecue. Maybe life might be easier if there are more activities to keep me occupied, rather than staying in my room, cocooned in my bed from afternoon to night. Still, I hope the hours will pass faster and so tomorrow's bbq will come fast enough. As for now, it's still too early to sleep. It's only 4pm.
It's so cold here. -22degrees, no matter how many layers I wear, I'm still freezing. Makes me miss home cooked food even more. Food here gets cold so fast. Everything's so expensive. Giving this rant a pass because it's all me. Who told me to choose the most expensive european country and who told me to come during winter right?
Maybe, the you-are-so-lucky-to-be-able-to-go-for-exchange and the exchange-is-damn-fun kind of thing is all but a facade. For now, I'd rather be back in Singapore. The thought of people telling me that 'exchange is damn fun' in order to trick me and make me suffer is running around at the back of my mind. Yes to all that I have said but I'm still hanging in here. My consolation, it should get better when school begins.
Next, I haven't been blatantly honest about everything that revolves around this guy probably because I can't even be honest with myself. This guy, bad first impression of him, I would say. Saw him trying on the girls at the party. My turn for him to try out came. To him, my short answers meant that I wasn't a tad interested. I was really not, probably because I wasn't really over the last breakup. Not so much on the person involved but the idea of a breakup. We had a chance occurrence in zouk a few days later and we danced. No problem there. It was nothing to me. If I recalled correctly, I would have preferred to dance with more than to dance my entire night with him. I am not a slut lahhh. We caught Harry Potter together. It was supposedly a date but knowing me, I simply asked him to join my friends and I for the movie, and that was to be counted as a date. I was half expecting him to say no to the offer but he wanted to come along. I thought, shit. We started hanging out often, be it outside school or in school. He made it clear that he was not looking for a girlfriend and I thought it was okay since I don't think I am ready to belong to another. However, things got out of hand when we did things that couples did. It became disturbing. I needed to know what we were, what we stood for, what do I mean. It haunted us for a couple of months. Hence, 6 months of exchange will do us good. I haven't spoken to him in a while. He's never available or out somewhere. It's a Wednesday night after all. I have excuses planned for him on everyday of the week. I used to panic. I remembered panicking on the day I touched down in London. Exhilarated to have internet access, expecting him to be online, hoping to chat with him. To only find out from another friend that he's in zouk. Why would tonight be of any difference? Like I said, it's Wednesday after all. It is not easy but I feel that I can handle not having him. I am able to manage better this Wednesday than last Wednesday. I hope this stays. But why must he leave me a facebook msg? Maybe it's nothing but it's amplified in my eyes. I guess I'm not mature. I am not ready to have a relationship that is mature... a relationship that can go on without any definitions and without any obligations. I am like a baby, one that needs constant taking care of, constant attention, constant loving, constantly being there...
Shucks, it's not even 6pm.
posted by Jean @ 11:02 PM
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