Today is simply not my day.

I feel, more often than not that I can't really be honest to this space in which I type. My worries are founded on the people who actually do read what I am typing here.

With Alex playing Canon in D on the piano behind me, I write for a therapeutic experience. I hope to be able to achieve it with the mood the music places me in.

It's been quite long --- at least to me --- that I'm not with Edmund. True enough, I am thankful for those who came into my life, as well as came back to my life after he left. I know very well that none of these great people, which I would have come to realise, would never be able to even contact me if I were to still be with him. I have to say that life now, is much better without him than I was with him. It is not that I have resigned to fate that I can never get him back (that is if I even want to), but I... I don't know. I lost my train of thoughts and got choked by "tears" in my throat. From the bottom of my heart, I do miss him. I do think whether I pop by his head occasionally like the way he does to my head, or rather heart. No doubt, after all these time, I am still sore about him cheating on me. I try not to cry when it comes to my mind. I thought, with him coming into my mind today was bad enough, though sometimes I wonder he even left for 'coming' to be possible. I saw Simon in school today. I take it as a very unfortunate occurance. I can't believe that I have to see Mark in Popular at Yishun today as well. I spoke to him, in absolute awkwardness. I asked him how's everything... He told me all's good and stuff. Yet he never once dared to look at me. I cannot help but think what has Edmund or what had Edmund told him? Or is it that all along he knew what went on between Edmund and Candy since I presume everything to have occurred in Huamin? I don't even know if I secretly feel happy that at least Edmund and I lasted relatively longer than Candy and him before a 3rd party comes into the picture. Candy, perhaps didn't have knowledge of what was going on then. She could still be kept in the dark now. Should I laugh at her? I don't think so. She really probably knows nothing. But I can't say the same for people who actually have almost a complete knowledge of what happened. I don't wish to make this awkward but when will (you) spare a thought for that poor girl, that girl who has all the right to cry over him, she who has the right that (you) don't? I know all these shouldn't matter at all, at this point in time, yet I am affected. Affected enough to spur this entry, despite writing for my essay which is due in 3 days. I do feel some sort of humiliation when I was speaking to Mark. But I know too that I should never belittle myself to the extent of avoiding these people. He asked me how's life.. I said Life goes on. Yes. I don't know what's on my mind to have said that. In fact, what was on my mind was 'I can't go on I must go on'. I failed to verbalise it. I try to rationalise Edmund's evil deeds (erm, 'evil' has no dispute here), starting from very very long ago till NOW. I mean, why keep toying girls? Except from the fact that it too, requires a party who is willingly being conned. Is it sheer stupidity? The sense of disappointment is immense. Still, I know I must let things be... (I can't but I must) My life has to go on... I cannot stagnate myself and attempt to be a martyr out of this whole thing.

I feel the stress all over again... I finally s/u-ed ECONOMICS. Absolutely no confidence in getting a B range for it.

I am scared shitless. Still extremely tensed with all these work... The impending examinations.

Freaking out.

It's been a fast yet long week. I can't decide. Finally, I get to talk to Firdaus. It's not 'Finally' as in I have been eagerly anticipating to talk to him or something. 'Finally' as in, after such a long time.

He has cool glasses. He says he looks the coolest naked. Y.E.A.H... I told YOU I'll blog about it!

Haiya.... damn sian. Life.. aiyo...

till the next time i have the time.

I am so stressed up that I am beginning to feel immune to it. It's not a good thing either. The sense of urgency has gone down, way down. With a 3000 word essay due on Monday and a quiz (I have no idea why quizzes sound so mediocre but they are really not for amateurs) on Monday too, I was watching cantonese drama. I watched and I cried and now my eyes are happily swollen that it tires me to look at the screen to type my essay. Since this morning, I had tea, orange juice and now having my cup of coffee beside me to accompany me. I am so bored with writing the essay. Sometimes I feel like 3000 words is nothing but there are also times in which I feel that 3000 words is impossible. And that I'll have to resort to squeezing every single drop of blood that is in me to feel up the page. I don't want to write this type of essays anymore. I want to get that sense of satisfaction back again... those were the best days of uni, of feeling satisfaction after completing an essay and getting an A+ for it. I really miss it.

Other than Carmen's birthday celebration next Saturday, I am most likely going to camp in the school libraries, with my ntu hss pullover and mug my life away. I hope I'll pull through.

Just so people won't ask me out, this is what I have on hand:
23/3 Contemporary Women's Writing Essay - 3000words
23/3 Economics Quiz - 10%
2/4 Film & Literature Essay - 800words
7/4 Shakespeare & His Contemporaries Essay - 2500words
7/4 Media in America Essay - 6-8pages (10 are welcomed) WTF?
9/4 Approaches to Drama Essay - 2000words
14/4 Economics Exam
15/4 Media in America Exam
16/4 Contemporary Women's Writing Exam
22/4 Shakespeare & His Contemporaries Exam
23/4 Film & Literature Exam
24/4 Approaches to Drama Exam (1130 I am going to be so happy that I won't even be happy)

And I haven't finished reading:
Pride and Prejudice
Oliver Twist
Dracula
Malina
The Piano Teacher
The Cherry Orchard
Dutchman
Death and the King's Horseman
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Othello
Hamlet
Macbeth
Coriolanus
The Winter's Tale
And yeah... I haven't watched the film adaptations of Oliver Twist, Dracula, the necessary Pride and Prejudice(s) and the necessary Oliver Twist(s).
Not to say that I totally missed out on Econs and Mass comm here.
Why am I still alive?
Why can I type so much here? Can this constitute in my word count?

Coffee's done.

My 21st birthday is over. And I ask, what have I achieved.

been happy
been sad
been angry
been hated
hate
cried
got cheated
cheated
broken-hearted
mended heart
loved
been loved
played
had fun
embarrassed (totally, after all the videos)
drank, drunk, puked
high
partied
stressed
pain-ed

That's about it so far. How was my party? It was great! I don't really have anything to complain about. Except for some people. Yet that's besides the point since it's my day I refuse to be bothered by certain people. All that turned up, a big thank you! Though I was not a very good host.

To my close friends:

Jearlene,
Thank you for being you. Allowing me to make use of you so absolutely. Only Jearlene being Jearlene right? I really cannot tell you how much you made my day. Who would have thought that you would change your flight and forgo that huge amount of money (at least to me)just to be there with me on my birthday. I appreciate it. I'll never forget, what you have done for me. I shall tell my husband(when I have one) in future!

Lye Huat,
I know it was embarrassing to carry Tiffany and Co.'s paper bag with a bouquet of flowers to me especially when we are not a couple. My friends thought either you were in love with me or me you. I was exclaiming a loud "NO" when they asked me about it. But, come to think of it now, you do love me... and I do love you too! -BEAMS! One full blog entry on you, wait till I finish my exams k!! Don't want to shortchange you.

Yijun,
Mirror image, Thanks for your appreciation speech! HHAAH! You are whacky yet some form of controlled whackiness about you. I applaud your ability to shout 'Jean, don't be stupid'! I thank you for being there for me, through the suppers, through the drinks, through the laughter, through complaining, through my tears especially... Thank you for the rides to school and home too!!!

Winifred,
my virtuous lady! I don't know how to say... I look forward to see you to go to school together. On train rides, it's so easy to tell you stuff. I feel almost instantly better after I tell you about things in which I cannot decide. Very comfortable, very comfortable to talk to. Little things in which you offer your help in, is very sweet to know. I am glad, to have known a selfless person.

Angela,
you brought me to learn many new things. I remembered us stepping into some gallery or sort of shop like thingy to see some paintings. The angles, the colours, the textures. All these stood out more to be because of you. Angela is damn funny, I always say. You are... Thank you for your hugs, deeply felt.

Constance,
you, hahhaa... I really need to thank you for slowing down your pace for me. Thank you for walking slower so that I don't have to run behind you. Your analogy of Jug and cups, is memorable. A jug does not look weird with cups, they come together. So, we'll be together. Remember I said that I quarrel with my friends, I'll find one day to quarrel with you.. HAHAHHA! Love you!! Your jem heart peg, OMG!

Firdaus,
arrggghhh... I want to write about this but don't want you to read lah! Xie Xie Ni... I'll not forget the 3am call to you. I'll not forget that you called Yijun to forgo her movie to check on me. I'll not forget that you actually questioned her friendship for me! Thanks for being a man when there aren't many in school. :)

Monica,
Knowing you since primary 3, we shared the purest friendship of all. When school was nothing but a breeze. We just hung out together in school, hanging out at the staircases where you had to perform you prefect duties, you helped us booked the hopscotch since you are released early for recess. It touched my heart to know that you remembered my birthday and even got Jearlene to pass me my present from Melbourne. Thank you.

Mourn for me. I have 5 essays due in 3 weeks. Equivalent to having to do 2 essays per week. I have 4 days on the day of the submission of my last essay to exams. I don't know how this semester is gonna be. I need to make a mental note to myself, never to take 6 modules again. Especially combining Lit with Mass comm. Never Ever. Never have 4 Lit modules. Never. Remember.

And, I went back to sleep and just woke up. SHIT.

I cannot believe how I succumb to sleep so completely. No school on Wednesdays, is translated to no school today. I slept early last night, without reading anything or doing anything. Woke up at 9am, spoke to Jearlene till she reaches the airport, went almost immediately back to sleep and I just woke up. It's 2pm now. Still, I'm at a total loss of what I want to do. I don't know where to begin.

Anyways, went to Pastamania with Const yesterday. It was a spontaneous decision. I thought that I deserve to go lah. Since I was made to present for Media in America last minute. Ha! Thank God it didn't look as if I was not prepared as that lecturer was telling as that we need to cut short our presentation and I was the last speaker! I cannot believe that he said we did well. I am impressed. Jearlene says that Constance is very tall.

I just realised that for this semester, I get to see my friends less. I see Winifred and Yijun 2 days per week, and I see Constance and Angela only once per week. Angela tops it all by not coming to school that day. So, I don't get to see her at all if not for my birthday.

I am feeling the love gradually pouring in, with the party nearing. People are getting excited. It makes me happy. HAHAA! I wonder why I'm not nervous at all when I really did nothing to prepare for the party. It's really gonna be awkward I swear! Anyway, it's gonna be an official off day for English people in NTU. One in which no one's gonna think about the essays! Seriously, I doubt it. It's gonna be chaos after my celebration.

Constance told me yesterday that she has this thing for bald man. I didn't realise until she told me.. Van Diesel, Wadiak and HOCA! I cannot believe it. This is kind of funny.

My table's in a mess. I just cleared it last week. I need to clear it because I no longer have a space for my books.

Jearlene, I still hold on to the hope of seeing you turn up on Saturday in a box with a big red ribbon.

Express extreme disappointment. UK dream castle has officially been torn down with huge hammers and drills. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~ Now I shall die writing essays. Totally no motivation. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I want to remember that I am grateful today. I've sent out all my birthday invites via text smses by today. Though most people haven't replied me, those that I'm close with, are extremely, more than nice! I love having to say that "It's mandatory for you" when they ask "do I have to rsvp you?" So sweet right?! I even have people whom I'm not very close with, saying that they will do anything for me! Like Amanda!!! And Jim?? Saying that he will be there for me. Yes lah... he's married and all but I am really grateful. I didn't expect all these. I thought I would just get a yes I'm going or something. And stupid Lye Huat says he can't be bothered to come. Thanks yah!! He loves me lah.. He will definitely come and even clean up my house for me. And Xianye is cool too!!! He called me and said he will just drop by when he doesnt do these things for his other friends. HAHAHAA!!! Boon Ting too!!! Omgoodness. I cannot believe this. And since Yijun approved of Fird coming, hahaa... he's coming. I think he said he's coming. I need to put this down for his sake. :) I feel happy today. I am still tired. I still have lots to do. But it seems like I cannot function today.

I am suddenly reminded of how these people were there for me 24/7 when edmund killed me. They brought me back to life. Look people!!! The power that you have!!!

Gonna see Const tomorrow night! I think she asked me if I invited edmund.. Hahaha.

Alright alright, time for a wish list right?
Firstly, I want to tell everyone that you will make me a very happy girl by turning up and entertain yourselves. Because I've planned it to be the most awkward party ever. Since by now, I'm sure everyone has their fair share of 21st birthday parties to go to, there will be sweet ones, warmth ones, havoc ones etc. Mine shall be the most awkward one. So, if you do feel awkward, rest assured, that's the spirit of the partay! The agenda of this whole this is to just eat food, drink something, look at me, hug me, say 'happy birthday', sing that song loud and clear, people watch, give me love, eat the cake, spend some time with me if you may, and get lost? Erm, you can get lost at anytime because it's my house... duh..

Many people have been asking me for what I want. I would love to stop being a pain in the ass and give everyone as well as myself a hand. Would want to have things that I like rather than things that I actually do find them taking up space in my house. Unfortunately/fortunately, which in this case I cannot decide, I want many things, but things that are intangible and almost everyone won't be able to give me. Materially, I am blessed. I don't really need anything.

I want:
Love (Of course! It's jean we are talking about)
From my parents, I want money to finance my UK trip (WINKS at Yijun!!!)
Happiness (from everywhere)
Tinge of sadness (to realise that I'm happy)
Oh well... love. I can't put it otherwise.

Show me that you love me... Even though I know you all do and I shouldnt need you to show. But just for my birthday? Yes? Just for reassurance...

So, an update is called for. I am truly exhausted. It was such a torture to be sitting in class, having profs speaking earnestly and me dozing off earnestly too. It is not that they are not interesting or anything. I just... my eyelids are so heavy. And the very fact that I cannot control my eyelids, is tormenting me.I thought that I am going to sleep early tonight, but I just remembered that I have project meeting tomorrow! I need to do some preparation. Anyways, I can't believe that this is just the beginning of it all. Essay writing marathon has started. I feel the stress. It's impossible. One after another in the span of less than 7 days in between. Why don't I "kill" myself? "Kill" being a word that is very sensitive in NTU now. Oh well... Presentations... shit. This sunday's burnt too.

ARGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! SO BEHIND TIME!