Today started off on the right note and I can't foresee anything to dampen my day today. I woke up just in time for the Ellen Degeneres show. Went jogging after that and the sun wasn't too strong! Came back knowing that my yoghurt drink is still available in the fridge, chilled. Digested the papers for today. Hoping to bathe madly and emerge fresh. I shall then practise piano. What a good student... Read for awhile and head to plaza singapura to meet the girls for sushi buffet!!! Be back on time for my date with Adam. Die listening to both A-class singers. YAY!

It's 1am. What am I doing? I cannot believe that Rayson is talking to me on the phone while I am blogging. He sounds like... I don't know. I find it very funny. I told him time and again that I hate him. And I truly do. When I am out and down, I'll definitely pick up his calls. I get to scream at him and hurl all sorts of vulgarities at him and ultimately hang up. My vocabulary of vulgarities, built up from secondary school, are rusty but not forgotten. He is nothing to me, means almost nothing to me but I know if I demand him to do anything, he would.

He says he is celebrating his birthday next Wednesday. Asked me along to dbl o to club. He invited his police friends and all his zoo mates. Then I am apparently the only girl. So, I probed further and found out that those zoo mates asked him to bring girls along so they can enjoy the night. He says he is going to stick on to me. I told him that that would diminish my opportunities for the night, to a great extent. He says what the fuck. Damn hilarious. So I said fuck you shut up bye. I really enjoy pissing him off. I would say that, put aside all the shit he had put me through in secondary school, he is sort of a good friend. Of course he called again. I can tell him about Edmund. I do talk to him about Edmund. :)

Like I told Kingley this evening when he called me for his occasional checks on me, recently, I have been thinking about Edmund. I am concerned about him. I can always call or sms, yes, but..... hahahaahaa... laugh it off.

There are times in which conversations are about Singaporean girls not dating enough, causing themselves to be single since forever or driving guys to become gays. How true is this? I do hang out with guys but being friends is so much better than progressing into something else.

Jearlene is supposed to call me. She never lah! She is supposed to intercept the Rayson call. Though she has no knowledge of her purpose now. I am tired and can hang the phone up now.

There are many many girls and guys that care for me. I appreciate that as much as I am flattered. How I miss the feeling... the feeling of loving someone. At this moment, the feeling of being loved is not being yearned for. Loving Edmund was... was really, I didn't know I was capable of all that, on hindsight.

Forgive me, for I know I shouldn't blog about these. There are many that should never read this post, for some reason or another. Yet, I have no other avenue.

It's one of the many emo nights again. Walking back home alone during the wee hours, okay... the not-so-wee hours of the night, with music engulfing me from my ears right to the bottomless bottom of my heart... I am glad I am finally home and not everyone's asleep yet.

Well, examination results... yeah, shit. Exams were not so far back... I don't wish to be reminded. I hope my holidays are prolonged for as long as possible. I do not look forward to school. Though school only begins in aug, it feels as if I have very little time left. Soon I'll be reading through course descriptions, deciding on what to do, competing for slots, buying books, cursing popular for not bringing in the books on time, eat crappy food, spend lots of time travelling, ARGHHHHHHHHHHH.......... Lastly, much to myself agreeing that working life is probably worse or at least as bad, I am quite sick of hearing that I should be glad that I am schooling instead of working. I am! I really am! But that doesn't mean that I am perfectly fine with school and what school entails.

I know about the small pleasures of life. I learnt that in Amelie. I wonder why I seem oblivion to them now. Going out with friends become some sort of obligation, going online to surf the net seems a total waste of time, satisfaction gained from watching tv programmes is greatly diminished, money earned never seems enough...... Nothing. Perhaps screaming will make me feel better but it's gonna be temporal.

Haiya... I may just go visit the Science Centre for the Da Vinci exhibition.

FML........

It used to be an imperative, one in which a choice has been made. Now, it has become a matter of choice once again. I said I would begin a journal/diary, a written one instead of one which is online. Eventually, the thought of it intensifies but the act of doing it distances. I cannot help but dream of writing one that is close to my heart, one that I can bear it all. Ain't I foolish? How honest can I get with myself? I don't even think I can be honest with myself to pen it all down. Of course, this blog is full of truths, except that there are many times in which truths are not blogged in its entirety. Half-truths some people call them. Are half-truths still truths? I don't think so. Distorted truths are not truths anymore. So, tell me, how honest am I with myself?

That's just one point. Another point is that I tend to want to remember some but also forget some. Some things in which I think I never want to revisit again. Some things in which I myself am ashamed of what I am. Yet, there are also things that I have the courage to write it down but think that it would really be a waste of the beautiful book. Things that are edmund-related, I can write them down like the papers are endless but seriously, 10 years down the road, I would probably want to tear these pages out.

So, the book is still sitting on my table, with a photo of Angela and I, the one left over from her birthday board, bookmarked in it.