maybe it's time to move.

maybe ask and you shall be given, the new address of this space.

How's life been jean?

I shall proceed to answer my own question. This is retarded. I'm doing it anyway.

There was a snow storm yesterday. At least to me, it was a snow storm. There wasn't snow falling from the sky but snow was swept by the wind, hitting our jackets, our faces and eventually blew the hoods off our heads. The wind, 33km/h, I have no idea what this really means but I know how it feels. It's as if there were invisible hands pushing you from the back. We attempted to run. No, we ran, so as to reach home as fast as possible. But soon, we realised that it was dangerous to. As we ran, the wind blew, when it blew in the direction we were running to, we felt we were going to fall. How all these look? It looks exactly like those sand storms in deserts in movies. Tragic. We were a little disorientated because all the tracks that were previously trodden on were covered with snow that were swept off rooftops. I shall not mention the rest because of course I got home in one piece and you can fit in the rest.

It's sunday. I'm left with exactly 6 months now. It shows 24 more weeks on my calendars. They are everywhere to aid me in counting down. 24 weeks suddenly seems a little short. After this coming week of 3 days of school, since we are skipping school on thursday and friday to head to sweden to ski, it's 23 weeks already. Subsequent whale watching, fishing, aurora catching and what not.. time passes. Sunday passes right before me and I'm letting it. I woke up and skyped with my family, as always. Made myself breakfast simply because I cracked an egg, not fully but a little while packing my desk last night. Vacuumed my room, washed my clothes and chatted with friends. Calming my friend of her bf troubles. Ha... of all people, me... I know. Well, doing household chore confuses me. I took more than half a day to complete my washing and eating and packing that I am a little exhausted and the sun is setting. Hand-washing everything is no joke, that's the price to pay for refusing to pay to use the washing machine. There really isn't any mood left to do my readings for next week. Plus, school's gonna be from 8am to 8 plus pm tomorrow. I'm taking the norwegian language class. Just for fun.

Cooking dinner tonight again. We had rice last night and it's pasta again tonight. Dear me.

Till again.

Like true norwegians speak of weather at the beginning of every conversation, let me do so here too.

I have no idea why the mist is so thick. It's freezing. Headed down to the police station and did the necessary paperwork, yet again yes. In this thick mist where visibility is extremely, unbelievably poor, there were raindrops. Times like this, you wonder why is it not snowing but raining. The day started off shitty. With me waking up way to early for school. But!!! When I got out of the apartment, I saw the trees, dipped in snow. It was beautiful... It was beautiful.

Jean is hungry but there wasn't time for breakfast. Spent the whole afternoon in the cold and finally got into Rema to buy a bar of chocolate. That's my lunch. Eagerly waiting for dinner where I get to learn how to cook from the guys. Yeah... I know.

I am proud of myself because I practiced self-control. But it might still be too early to say. Small steps baby, small steps but nevertheless steps to trudge forward.

The sun has set. It's 15 mins to 4pm. The houses standing on the foot of the snow-capped mountain, have their orange lights switched on. These lights flicker and glow to till the sun rises, at about 10am every morning. My room smells of burnt pizza because my house mate forgot that he put his pizza into the oven while he was streaming serials in his room. Dinner's at 6.30pm, at somebody's place. I got to bathe before heading out because there won't be much time to bathe tomorrow morning when school begins. I don't know how does this link but looking out from the window, I wonder... how much am I going to age, living here and leaving after 6 months.

It's a Saturday. Spells trouble. There really isn't anything to do in the cold cold morning and afternoon, on a land that the sun never rises and is either at the horizon or is setting. I woke up rather early, once again. Got dressed and went to the post office to change my address. But before that, the aunty nature that I possess lured me to BunnPris to check the prices for some foods because I intend to head to Rema to have a look. I bought potato salad, vinegar chips and 2 strips of Daim chocolates. All in a more competitive price as compared to BunnPris. :D

Now, I'm just munching on my very very nice chips that don't require me to seal them up if I can't finish. The weather is so dry that my chips are forever fresh. Chatting with Fird, and hoping that I can complete doing my time table by today.

Not so keen on the party tonight. But I figured it should be better than staying in my room refreshing facebook every so often to see that nothing has changed, or that those people who update are not of my interest.

Day 2 of orientation
On day 1, I met a french, a finnish and a hungarian. Sat on the same table for free flow of pizza. I think it's not bad. Or maybe I was starved. Caught some Singaporeans, identified them based on their speech. Hung out with Mr. Azerbaijan and some greeks(their passports are beautiful) and then I went on to join those singaporeans. It was enjoyable. We has mas selamat jokes. Feels quite good to speak mandarin, to hear people speak mandarin and to know that these people know where is singapore and we are not from china.

So far, I'm surviving from skyping with jearl and with the kwok.

I'm going to get a norwegian number later, before the party down at basement 24. There's probably nothing to do tomorrow morning, till night. There's a party down the town centre at night but before that, I'll have to force myself to do up the courses.

It's still freezing here. I hope it would snow so I dont have to walk on ice.

Thoughts of abandoning blogging on this website are present. It's difficult to write in a space whereby you know that you out yourself out there, vulnerable for everyone to see. Sometimes, there are thoughts on my mind that may hurt others. And hence, are not very nice to be published. However, being all alone in a foreign land, makes you see past all these.

6th Jan 2010
My parents have left me for Sweden this afternoon. I would have expected myself to go all emotional over it and I did. After the doors were closed and I'm locked up in my room. Feels really surreal to know that I'm going to be here for 6 months. This duration gives me different feelings at different times. Over in Singapore, 6 months was good time. Good time to sort things out and good time to see how things were headed to when I'm headed back for Singapore.

I miss home. I miss everybody back at home. This is probably due to school not starting and I haven't had those activities that the usual normal socializing youthful exchange student would attend. Tomorrow, there's a barbecue. Maybe life might be easier if there are more activities to keep me occupied, rather than staying in my room, cocooned in my bed from afternoon to night. Still, I hope the hours will pass faster and so tomorrow's bbq will come fast enough. As for now, it's still too early to sleep. It's only 4pm.

It's so cold here. -22degrees, no matter how many layers I wear, I'm still freezing. Makes me miss home cooked food even more. Food here gets cold so fast. Everything's so expensive. Giving this rant a pass because it's all me. Who told me to choose the most expensive european country and who told me to come during winter right?

Maybe, the you-are-so-lucky-to-be-able-to-go-for-exchange and the exchange-is-damn-fun kind of thing is all but a facade. For now, I'd rather be back in Singapore. The thought of people telling me that 'exchange is damn fun' in order to trick me and make me suffer is running around at the back of my mind. Yes to all that I have said but I'm still hanging in here. My consolation, it should get better when school begins.

Next, I haven't been blatantly honest about everything that revolves around this guy probably because I can't even be honest with myself. This guy, bad first impression of him, I would say. Saw him trying on the girls at the party. My turn for him to try out came. To him, my short answers meant that I wasn't a tad interested. I was really not, probably because I wasn't really over the last breakup. Not so much on the person involved but the idea of a breakup. We had a chance occurrence in zouk a few days later and we danced. No problem there. It was nothing to me. If I recalled correctly, I would have preferred to dance with more than to dance my entire night with him. I am not a slut lahhh. We caught Harry Potter together. It was supposedly a date but knowing me, I simply asked him to join my friends and I for the movie, and that was to be counted as a date. I was half expecting him to say no to the offer but he wanted to come along. I thought, shit. We started hanging out often, be it outside school or in school. He made it clear that he was not looking for a girlfriend and I thought it was okay since I don't think I am ready to belong to another. However, things got out of hand when we did things that couples did. It became disturbing. I needed to know what we were, what we stood for, what do I mean. It haunted us for a couple of months. Hence, 6 months of exchange will do us good. I haven't spoken to him in a while. He's never available or out somewhere. It's a Wednesday night after all. I have excuses planned for him on everyday of the week. I used to panic. I remembered panicking on the day I touched down in London. Exhilarated to have internet access, expecting him to be online, hoping to chat with him. To only find out from another friend that he's in zouk. Why would tonight be of any difference? Like I said, it's Wednesday after all. It is not easy but I feel that I can handle not having him. I am able to manage better this Wednesday than last Wednesday. I hope this stays. But why must he leave me a facebook msg? Maybe it's nothing but it's amplified in my eyes. I guess I'm not mature. I am not ready to have a relationship that is mature... a relationship that can go on without any definitions and without any obligations. I am like a baby, one that needs constant taking care of, constant attention, constant loving, constantly being there...

Shucks, it's not even 6pm.

And so the crap begins all over again.
Essays and more essays.
Exam begins in less than a week before submission.

GROSS.

Today I found something old, that comes in a new variation. I found a different kind of loneliness. I am not feeling it now. But I know that I have felt it before.

Loneliness is usually associated with people who are alone. However, loneliness can also be felt when you have someone hovering around you. And yes, it is that person that led me to that revelation.

Yes, about 95% sure of my exchange programme to norway. 5% left for receiving the acceptance package. I shall be going for 5-6 months, minimum. Would love anyone to catch me over in europe, wherever I am. Please do... I shall miss a lot of stuff. Will be missing cny, will be missing my birthday in singapore. You people can hold a small gathering and send me a toast on singapore island. Away from ntu I am glad. Trip's in time, a change is what I ask for and a change is what I shall get. I want to see the auroras. Let me see it please. This calls for a not-bad-camera... and a laptop. Hur. Let the 2 guys that are going with me be extremely nice, cos I am nice and deserve nothing less than having nice people around me to TAKE CARE of me. What... I'm a little girl.

For now, back to the ntu drudgery.

So many things to do, so little time. I can spend days and days looking at the map.

Ha Ha Ha. This weekend's spent in bukit panjang. A nice place to chill and simply not do anything but watch TV. Watching TV has become something of a privilege. Going out is cool. Really. Going out is great but going out, just to get a cup of coffee and sitting there trying to get through the readings as well as come out with some ideas for the essay is not as cool as I thought it would be.

There are many things on my mind. Basically what to write for the essay. What to write for the essays after this essay. How to get through those mid-terms.

I think my enthusiasm for lit has fallen.

Geylang Serai excursion was interesting. I tried my first bite of that ramly burger(Yah lah.. now then get to try). Just that the things that are being sold, I don't seem to need any of them. So, food was the thing that got me going. There were soooo many people. So many so many. Bandung was exceptionally nice. Yah loh.

Haiya, going to bathe and try to do the essay. Have some chilled coca cola to keep myself awake.

It's nauseating
With the essays piling
I am tired
I want to sleep.

Tea in the morning
Coke in the afternoon
Coffee in the night
Tea is due in 10 mins.

Sleep sleep sleep.

5 weeks of school passed in a flash.
Surviving just to look forward to the weekends.
But I do nothing other than catching up with the week during the weekends.
I sleep a lot.
I still need a lot of sleep.
I miss hanging out with friends.
Be it playing wii or late night suppers.
The books don't really contain my attention.
I am not sure if I understood my classes.
I need more than 24hours a day.
Sore throat please go away.

I am excited about MRT PUB CRAWL!!!
Finally some indulgent fun.
It's gonna be an absolute waste of money and time.
So absolutely brainless that I should enjoy.

Cocoavantchanel was nice. The Proposal was also nice. They are nice because they are hollywood films. Not silent films or black and white and all that kind of things. I allowed the continuous editing bring my brain along to wherever the narrative wanted my brain to be. For once, the relaxation is heightened.

Forensic Science again tomorrow. Shall we not listen to perfect circles or bee hive-like structures and what not?

And finally, blogger has started to give me problems.

Going for piano exam later. the certainty of failing has this calming effect yet i'm occasionally scared. I feel that i am not respecting myself nor the examiner by being present for the exam. Then again, since I've already paid for it, skipped school for it, might as well just go for the experience. I simply hope that the examiner doesnt talk to me.

My mom has been a freak for almost a month. Her snide remarks were totally unnecessary and unwelcomed. Just let me finish my exam and I'll be back with enough energy to answer back.

I slept the whole of my Saturday away and slept 3/4 of my Sunday.

I am dead tired.

It's only the second week of school. It feels like only two weeks left to exams. I've already submitted one essay. Though a short one, it is difficult. 'What is Cinema?' Like I know? I am already having tea, coffee, tea kind of diet. I still feel sleepy. This is bad. Give me my holidays back.

In 8 minutes, I need to go and take a bath and head to school for american lit. I'm quite sure Yerkes is gonna be hard on the technicalities of the english language. I am not freakin out. I'm just quite sian over it.

I realised yesterday after sympathy for the devil's class that Firdaus has taken offense to my last entry and decided not to contact me at all. Blood brother, you like that meh? HAHAHA! To the extent of trying to bitch about me to yijun and hoping madly that she would agree that Jean is some shitty friend who doesn't like to be contacted. Thanks kwoky! For standing by me and agreeing with me --- behind my back --- fighting against firdaus that boy.

School has once again started. This time round, things changed. It was just not the way it used to be and though I was not naive enough to expect things to remain the same, I was still bearing some hope. It's quite sad. It's really quite sad. Whether it's a pity or not, I'm not sure and won't be so fast to determine.

Went back to tuition centre yesterday to collect my paycheck and hang around with the students. Boss was a horrendous shit.

Basically, I'm not in my best of moods. Enjoyed china much, with all the shopping like there wasn't even a thought that I should be suffering from recession, no job, no anything. Spent like some rich, filthy rich girl. Came back to Singapore. Not long after, piano lesson. It's stressful. I don't even know whether I want to try or put in effort for something that might be possible, yet quite impossible to achieve. I feel like giving up but it would be a waste and I know I'd regret it in future. Still again, it is not easy, not just that, it is difficult.

1. Jean

Female name meaning "God is gracious." Fun, sympathetic, and charming. Witty, brilliant, and an excellent friend. Unless you want your friends to call you. Ever.
I miss Jean, she was so awesome. I wonder what she's up to...

I got so bored that I went to check on what does jean stand for. This is so accurate.

That Nobody is damn addictive!!! Only Xin Rong brother will patronise my non-verbal actions and hell...

It's only 3 plus in the afternoon and I can smell dinner being cooked in the kitchen.
ION orchard, opened only recently, has already commanded so many visits from me. Not that there's anything particular to buy or to do there. Just that when you're in orchard, it's almost impossible to miss. I'm lying on bed, bored shitless. Almost wanted to just type 'I am damn bored'. But then again, I would have turned a blog entry into something like a twitter entry. Can school just start? Argh... I want to know what electives I've gotten. The wait is far too long for my liking.
China trip is coming. No pissing of mommy is allowed. Size of spending allowance depends entirely on her.

The tension suffocates me, though I can quite out of the picture.

Since I was in a bad mood for no reason, I wanted to sleep it away but of course it failed. I decided to upload those pictures that were taken long long ago.

Left overs of Carmen's birthday! HAHAA!



Your gorgeous shoes my pal!

my companions to jeremy's gallery
And our journey begins...
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Taken in the bar
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Graffiti in the bar


Our sushi buffet which hopefully can be done in a smaller scale when school starts again.
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Jun asked me to blog just because she needs something to read. Yet I can't comment on Harry because she has yet to watch it. For someone whose latest entry was a one liner, this must be a feast for you. :) Actually I was already trying to upload all these lah.. that's why you saw me online. It's 3.40am. Time for bed. Tuition class in the morning.

good night.