Fear

I have so many things to tell everyday but then again tell who? Who will be interested in my life? No one listens anymore. I begin to shut up. I don't even try. I rather not say at all. But how long can all these last? I feel myself resigning to it. I'd call it a phenomena. I behave as though I am fine. I sound as if I feel great. In fact, I am crushed. But then again, the attention I am seeking is never going to be found. What is this? Am I disappointed? I think it is something even greater than disappointment. I am actually very amazed at how I'm getting through everyday. I used to be unable to keep my feelings, unable to hide them. They will just be all over me. On my face, in my tone, now, I'm getting the hang of it. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don't know. Nobody will know how I really feel anymore, which is scary, cause that will mean that I'll never be happy. On the other hand, days pass by less meaningfully everyday, making it less painful. I know it's ironic. But this is exactly how things are.

3 days on a row. Tomorrow makes it 4 definitely, maybe Friday 5 and Saturday 6 and Sunday 7 and next Monday 8 and so on. No big deal to many but it seems like eternity to me. There's nothing we both can do. Absence makes the heart ponder? I think it's more of agony. It's also difficult to talk now. Talking reminds me of how much I have been thinking and missing. I am just afraid that I'll get used to it, that it doesn't matter anymore.

Winifred says Lit rocks. It's totally, absolutely true. I know for sure, at least in my tutorial group, we are proud to be lit students. Don't ask us what we are going to be after graduating and immediately jump into the conclusion "teacher?". We don't really care what we will be doing for a living in future. It is the feeling, the experience of speaking to highly intellectual professors(they are not the conventional types), the people you mix with, the things you study, the language, it encompasses everything. Even though language fails, like it is faling me now(I can't find any words to do justice to english lit), it is a beautiful beautiful thing...

It did help

Stacey says "don't be stressed" and "take care" with a smiley face. That's just so nice of her! It's worth remembering.

Highly Volatile

I don't know the the hell is wrong with me. It's like I get irritated so easily. For instance, today, so many of us booked the MRL room to view Persona again and when all of us find out that we literally booked all the MRL rooms available, some went to cancel their rooms and I don't know how the room I booked became the only one that's booked and of course they are joining me to watch the show. But I'm not smart-asses like them and I really want to view Persona slowly, as in real slow.

So I thought, what the heck, I booked the room, you want to join me, I'm not stopping you but play by my rules. When I want to pause the film for some brain digestion time, it has got to stop. But, while I was still in the room with Constance, like other people started coming in, people whom I didn't even know! Apparently my tutorial mates invited their own friends. Like what the hell??? How am I supposed to be polite and be able to watch Persona the way I want to watch it at the same time? I really find it quite hard. Plus, after their lunch, they were like all smiles to me, I was smiling back, I wonder why I was smiling. Then I said I'm going to watch it myself then they were like "We'll have to re-book the room now." Come on, the room that I booked was still playing Persona, with those people that I don't know. I know I'm being a bitch for this but you see, all these just struck me at the wrong time! Of all times but when I'm feeling like shit with i-don't-know-what.

Ultimately, you know how angry girls always get things done their way in the end, i went out of the room, asked the librarian for another dvd of Persona and I watched it myself in my personal cubicle. That was perfect.

It's coming back all over again

The feeling of getting everything done the wrong way, saying the wrong things at the wront time, talking to the wrong people, asking wrong questions, these all make me feel dumb. Is there something wrong with what I'm thinking or is there something wrong with me as a person that people begin to not be able to stand me or are the people bad to treat me like this?

It's so upsetting...

The charity for cancer television programme is on. Seeing how people are suffering is really toturous. Darling feels really bad over it. I can totally understand. There isn't any thing that I can possibly say. We are all in the same position, feeling bad about it but we can't help them out financially. I still believe that prayers will be answered. So perhaps, that's the only avenue that we have.

Soon it's going to be the last week of school even though I don't really know when the last week really is. I'm getting all the jitters from the upcoming examinations. There's so much to read, must lest re-read. I know everyone around me are stressed up, including Darling, who has to finish everything for the examinations and much much more unnecessary stuff. I hope at the end of the day, everything will just turn out fine for everyone. Then, we can all be happy!!!

It's Monday tomorrow again. I really don't look forward to it.

When does school really end?

No matter when school ends, we should all TGIF tomorrow. Driving lessons are fun.

As it is

Today started out very well, with Darling telling me that he's not going to school, with Darling chatting with me through the phone while I was walking from home to the mrt station and with Darling offering to pick me up after school.

It's all good. Talking to Hoca about Dirty Pretty Things was great too! You feel great when you understand something. Still, it was a tiring day. By the end of the day I was feeling slightly ill, slightly nauseous. Anyways, I went to watch Brothers with Darling.

Came home feeling like shit. All I can think about is all the work piled up, who am I, who do I want to be, what I really want. It's back to the basics. How funny is it when a person of my age, educational level or whatsoever things that people usually consider when it comes to maturity, ask themselves this kind of questions? These questions should have long ago been answered. But I'm only asking them now. It is either I am absolutely leading a sheltered life or I lead a totally screwed life.

With my personality, I'll go with the latter.

Do Do Do Do

There are like so many things to do. They are all must-dos but I simply just cannot bring myself to do it.

Hilarious.

I am so tired. Caught Halloween with Darling. Our movie watching habit is really terrible. Like two addicts. Anyway, I'll get to be with him early tomorrow morning!

The Photos

Kash, Darling's cat.


Kash again!


Amanda the Phoenix


Amanda and her roomie


It's Amanda again. We were trying to get a satisfactory shot.


Angela and Winifred


Quigley's Lecture


What Sandra and I did during the lecture.


What Amanda was doing during the lecture.


Sandra and Joyce.


With Ismath!


Lastly, my NTU boyfriend, Constance!

I am still trying to handle the stress

Work keeps coming in. I don't know whether I should complain or not. It's like I was dying for a place in university and when I get it, the work is argh...

I mean, I don't mind doing the work if it's less depressing. It's never good enough! And just before you think that you can give yourself a break, more work comes in.

Anyway, we caught Dirty Pretty Things today after tutorial. It's not bad! A lot better than The Searchers.

I have a couple of pictures with me but I feeling too down and there are like to much work to handle as of now. So, I'll upload the pictures some time later.

Greatness, in a sarcastic way

I have always loved Tuesdays with the exception of today. There is really something wrong with SBS.

Feminist Criticism and Gender Studies is kind of difficult. I still love Psychoanalytic Criticism.



As though I have not had enough from Heart of Darkness.

PSLE marking begins today from my Hubby. I miss you so. For time to pass faster, I will dive into doing my assignment. I will see you soon.

I Thank God for Today

After many many bad things that happened, I thought I was purely just a girl that is both ridiculous and insignificant in Darling's eyes. Just his girlfriend in the name.

Today is simply wonderful. I am so thankful for today. Darling felt a little sickly, exhausted, frustrated with the traffic jam but still, he came to look for me for a little while. I feel important. I am happy. He loves me. And when you love someone, you will want to see someone everyday. I know he loves me.

He really made my day. It was rather crabby in school. Gloomy all day, feeling the chills constantly. Waiting for Godot is really, really, really random. I was all figety during the play. Just need to seek warmth and stay awake. Dawson brought his little girl who has read Waiting for Godot a couple of times for the screening. I am glad I did not spend my childhood reading literature texts.

I love you to bits Darling. And to all, my Darling is no other than Jude Edmund. I used to tell many others, not to believe in forever. Nothing is transcient. Now, I feel myself taking every single word back.

I believe in a forever with him and only him. It is our 9-months together today Sweetie.