Goodbye 2008 and Hello 2009.
I'm gonna have lots and lots and lots of fun tonight!!!

Do you know what is a great enjoyment in life? It is listening to songs that Kwoky has just sent me. It sets you in the mood... And then, surfing the net to go through the humongous amount of information about the other universities and the courses that they offer. Hungary was the plan initially till Kwoky pointed out Manchester. They are the top universities in their countries, beautiful, absolutely beautiful structures. Sometimes you would still wonder why NTU looks like how it looks. The structure of the universities blow me away... away and away. It's as if I'm dreaming. I can even feel the breeze on my face.

And if Manchester comes true, Kwoky, London's bleakness will be a reachable beauty.

I shall go read up more of it tomorrow alright? Too much information. And I can't wait for my first ever house party tomorrow!

This was how I spent Christmas this year. Dinner and drinks with primary school mates on Christmas day.

































This, was different from last year. No mass to attend, no love in the air, no festive mood. But I had a lot more people texting me and wishing me Merry Christmas! I am at peace with myself this Christmas.

I know I'm a little slow but I've finally caught Twilight with Angel today. I guess we wouldn't have if not for the complimentary tickets. I still feel a little repulsive towards movies though. The actors... their constipated faces. But it's so sweet. I cannot get over it. It's very bad for health as it is highly intoxicating. The agony Edward feels is so attractive but Edward Cullen's daddy, should have been the highlight. :)

I rested last night.

It's going to be a quiet Christmas for me. With no parties and no drinks, just tv-watching. When my parents are at home, I want to stay at home. I want to bug them. It's funny how it is when I am doing such things at this age. I just occasionally whack their backs, occasionally hug them, occasionally say I'm hungry when I'm not really hungry and make them get food for me. How exciting right?

At least this year's Christmas eve will be different from last year. At least I won't cry. And because of this, I am happy.

So off to have some breakfast here I go,
awaiting the return of my parents I said so,
for we are heading out in this rainy weather,
to din tai fung we all go.

Now I know where are the better looking guys in Singapore already. They are all hiding in the gym.

I went to gym with Kingley today... Yea... I have been to gyms before but never a public one. The amount of people, astonishing. You mean none needs to work? Why are they as free as me?

Jean can not raise her arms as they feel so unbelievably heavy now. I'm just going to sleep. I'll rest well tonight.

It felt like fun when I knew I had the upper hand and tried fooling around with it. But the aftermath of it proves that this excitement does not last. It is quite tiring. No, no... It's not tiring but it's upsetting. Perhaps not knowing the truth or the near truth will make me a happier person though the road to recovery wouldn't be as fast as it was. I wonder if I'm even off the road to recovery already! But the very fact is that I have known the fact or the 80-90% fact and I can no longer think or behave as if I don't know. Fine, I know.

Plotting some revenge scheme... I'm really playing with fire. I'm testing my very own limits. TECHNICALLY, I shouldn't feel a thing other than shiok-ness or at least sporadic tinges of happiness when playing a game that you know you definitely will win, it's only a matter of winning by a large margin or a small one. Much to me knowing that no matter what happens, being back with him is an impossibility, I feel discomfort or rather, my heart beats hard and fast when I'm uncovering some shit that he is doing. It's not as if he's in any sense part of my "property" anymore. I shouldn't and must not feel this way. This explains why it was comforting to hear from Jearl that 'that's the thing about feelings; they are uncontrollable'. Yijun says this revenge thing is seriously bullshit. It's true. It's a greater truth that even at this point in time, I am still not loving myself. 'You still depend on him for "pleasure"', how can I refute this fiRd?

To think that I was thinking about the reason behind him flirting with some other, lying to some other, other than me. Why do I not even possess the attractiveness for an ingrate to lie to? Why choose others above me? Am I that inferior? I was thinking about all these. I was kind of disturbed, making me enjoy my late night out at jalan kayu with yijun, fiRd and jearl even more. This morning when I woke up, I felt better. Maybe under some circumstances, humans are such that you think you are gone but somehow or rather, something in you will steer you to adopt certain perspectives and you will survive, you will definitely survive. As of now, that's all I can say. 'As of now', because I don't know if I'll slip back to feeling that way as 'feelings are uncontrollable'. So, 'as of now', I am glad that I am not the target of lies and deception because you, yes you, you are setting me free.

I have this loser-ish thing in me. I really cannot bring myself to get out of my house. I think it's because I don't want to spend. My heart hurts when I keep heading for the ATM. Nowadays, I don't even ask for receipt to look at my balance. I'll just pretend that I do not know. I'm quite good when it comes to this aspect of pretense.

I refuse to believe that the holidays are coming to an end. I have forgotten and then remembered that the exam results are going to be out soon. Geez... I did myself injustice. But it's okay! Because I am not going to repeat my mistake, and I have gotten over my greatest mistake.

It's been long since I've heard from fiRd. He was and perhaps still is the avid Edmund supporter. I told him, I don't know how many times that I'm over. I'm done with crying and done with being depressed. But he always, always and always, do that thing! What thing? That 'how about 10 years down the road?' and that 'if he really begs?'. You know you know? I know for sure that Yijun knows because she's somehow always there when fiRd says things like this and that she has to be there to give me that look that says 'I have no comments because there is simply nothing to say'. I hate it when even though I haven't seen him for quite a long time, and haven't chatted with him on msn or called him or smsed him, his words still ring in my head.

I don't know what's gonna happen 10 years down the road but one thing for sure, no matter how wavered I am due to my highly emotive personality, I don't want to. I don't want to have a boyfriend like that. This is not right. Absolutely not right, there's no grey area.

Let's digress a little. Yijun and I have failed to meet up time and again for our run. She says we are 'fated to be fat'. Ha ha ha.

How can there be so many couples walking down the streets, holding hands, beaming at each other when the hard core fact is that... Argh!!! I lost myself. Fullstop. I'm moving on to some other things.

I miss dancing, yet I don't like the feeling after dancing. It leaves me feeling so surreal that I cannot gather myself in time to adjust myself back to reality. Music seriously is magical. I love Walawala. I love going with them.

And my phone rang. It's Jearlene. Who else right.. My phone doesn't ring otherwise. Except the fact that Edmund called yesterday. Yea..... She's like, 'so, you intend to go out or do you intend to stay at home and get fat'. Okay lah... meeting Vithya at 3 at Bakerzin. She says she's broke. I told her to sit outside and talk to me while I have my cake.

Jearlene says that she has to go away because she is falling in love. She just doesnt know that she has already fallen into it. Anyway, I am reading Choke. I mean how can I not read when the front cover states a comment 'Choke is Fight Club for sex addicts'. Everybody should just choke in front of an audience and be loved for life. Hahaha... If it's even true. It can be true but there's always a limit. People do actually stop loving.

I can no longer blog because Jearlene is demanding too much of my attention. Bye.

I'm kinda bored at home but I'm also enjoying this boredom
No I'm not complaining about having nothing to do
Because I have lots to do
I simply don't do them.

I want to read plenty plenty but holidays are coming to an end. I can only prioritise. Want to watch DVDs but refuses to watch alone. Want to go shopping but refuses to go alone. Want to do all these without being alone but refuses to call anyone out. And when people ask me out, there's this compulsion to be unavailable. HAHAAA...

I'm full of nonsense. Back to Straits Times.

It is weird how frantically I keep myself from blogging during my exam period and still end up blogging frequently whereas now, when I have all the time in the world, I do not blog.

I simply slack slack and slack more. Staying at home seems to be the best to me. Watching Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, CSI, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, etc.. Proceed to sleep, sleep and more sleep. The most meaningless life, yet life that passes the fastest. Days simply just go by!

All I do now when I think back in time, is sigh.

I can foresee much trouble with registering for next sem's modules. This dampens whatever I look forward to now. Why can't this stupid thing be easier? I shall stop here, since what I am complaining about, I have already complained about it before and that others have also complained about it before. Nothing else needs to be said.